Monday, November 10, 2008
Family and/or Career
We all have different goals, experiences, and beliefs which help us determine as women whether we will pursue a career, focus solely on raising a family, or balancing the two. Thrown into the mix are also the various social and professional environments which may help or hinder us from realizing that personal decision. How do you, as women living in your various locations, feel about your opportunities to choose for yourself whether you pursue a career, have a family, or do both? What are/were some of the obstacles? Do those obstacles still exist? Was the choice difficult or easy? Are you happy with your current decision, or are you still in the process of deciding?
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18 comments:
I grew up in Australia a country that allows for freedom of choice and women are treated equally. I have had several jobs, studied and felt I could accomplish anything I set out to do.
In regards to your question about choosing to have a family or have a career or both, I find that many a year ago the women normally stayed home where there was a 2 parent family. Nowadays it seems less and less the case, due to a variety of things. This could be a topic all on it's own.
Currently I live in America and am now married with 3 children under the age of 3. For my husband and I it's always been important that a parent is in the home and provides for our children's needs, the children can be taught in the way in which we wish them to be brought up and gives them a stable environment.
We both had mothers that stayed home, mine went back to work after the youngest (being me) started school and my husbands mother is still a stay at home parent.
Some people ask us "how do we survive on one income", others say "how can we afford daycare, for 3 children".
We don't and can't live extravagantly, we have to watch money but we manage to cater for the necessities of life and some extras from time to time. Sometimes things happen like the muffler on the car needs replacing and that makes things tougher for a while. It seems to be an up and down process, but either or, we survive.
The choice was an easy one since we had already pre-made the decision that I would stay home once we started a family.
I have grown considerably in appreciation for mothers that stay at home since doing it also, it's something you can never appreciate fully until you've done it yourself.
I am happy that I can and do stay home to be a full time mother. That said it's not easy, it involves a lot of sacrifice as to my own needs, desires, certain career goals, hobbies, self esteem, and I do enjoy peace and quiet, I hardly ever get that now. And vibrant well slept eyes, seems they are always blood shot from lack of sleep these days.
It's all about finding joy in the now, I have 3 beautiful healthy children and that I am glad of. They provide us with much entertainment.
I can understand more clearly now that some women are not geared for a mothering role, some may call that unwilling but I have to say it's better to recognize it prior to reproducing, than having a family and affecting others lives adversely.
My choice between career and family is very simple. While things go well in my professional life, career is the driving force. When the time comes that I wish for a happy, smiling child then family will become my primary focus.
I know that everyone can find their way though life, but I think that ultimately God decides our path.
- A.C. from Romania
Being a Mother is a privelage and a sacred responsibility that when once chosen, needs to be fulfilled and never neglected. Whatever our circumstances are, having to work for money, or inside the home with children, it is most necessary that we love each one of our children deeply.
I am a mother of 4 and have had the privilidge and honour of being able to be a full-time stay at home Mum to them. Has it been easy? No way...Would I choose it to be different? Not on your nellie...Do I have ambition for a career? Sure do, but I am happy to first succeed in the best career of my life...MOTHERHOOD...if I fail there no other success could ever compensate!
Nicky from Australia
It is important to remember that as an American woman...I have the choice to be a mother, career woman, or both. That choice is what makes the difference. There are many places around the world that women do not have this choice; or they have the superficial choice, but so many other things make the choice for them.
Although there are still things that keep women in "subordinate roles", America is more supportive than most other countries in empowering women in all facets of life.
But, moreover, it probobly depends on the family or life you grew up with. My mother worked and was a single parent for many years before finding my dad. Hers was not a choice. She worked out of neccessity, but she has always emphasized the importance of working hard and aspiring to "climb the ladder". I guess, that is why a successful career is so important to me.
Ya know, I thought about including my fears of entering the work force or the circumstances surrounding when I first started my family...that's why I hesitated to comment on this blog, but I feel very strongly that all mothers should stay at home.
There has got to be in any mother's mind the fact that there will be bad mixed with the good. The inner desire to raise her own children has got to overcome any reluctance at handling the gamut of hard and easy things mothers are called to do. The importance of mothers teaching their children skills, standards, and ways of thinking cannot be over-emphasized. This desire has got to drive a mother through the difficulties, arriving at the day when she receives the joy from a job well done....or done to the best of her abilities as she knew them. Of course a mother can learn, grow, and improve in her own skills while having children. She has got to be engaged in improving her ability to communicate and organize her family. God will help her know what her family needs and what to do....sometimes in very creative ways....He can answer her questions, her fears, her indecisions, helping her be able to teach the gospel as it's meant to be lived in a family.
In this day and age, too many times, all that is described are the struggles. We need to read the funny stories and commentaries written about 50-60 years ago to see there is joy in raising a family. Those writers noticed so many of the simple pleasures and fun of living with children. We've gotten away from that as our lives of ease have produced more pickiness.
I'm reminded of my middle-mom years when I decided I wanted to be able to like my kids when they were older. Making that decision made a big difference in how I approached my kids. I was still firm in using standards as a guide but I was interested in understanding their questions or discussion-points over a particular topic. I strove harder to use respect as I reasoned with them. This approach would not work with little kids because they're still needing to learn the rules. But it works with older school kids (5th grade on) since they know the rules that Mom is talking about, having already been taught their importance. Conversing with a child at that time in his/her life can clear up alot of misunderstandings and provide a good working rapport as the child heads into the turbulent teen years.
I like the book Backtalk . It states we are not to be our kids' best friend. We are to be their parents. We can have harmonious homes were everyone enjoys being with each other. That is the reward for having a no-backtalk home. I got a book for each of my daughters. It works in families, at school....I would guess even with adults.
Well... hope some of those ideas help. :)
- From Kansas, USA
I think I am really lucky to have a husband who can help provide for my physical needs so I can easily focus on the spiritual and physical needs of my family.
Although my husband's only income is medical student loans, we live frugally and saved up enough for our first year of school so I could stay at home. I was glad I could stop my full time job when I became a full time mother.
Obstacles: Here in Houston, compared to Chicago where i grew up, I have certainly felt less negative social pressure in pursuing my career as a full time mom. When I first became a mom at 23, I received quite a few harsh statements from old friends/family at how they wouldn't possibly be ready to have kids, i realized many did not prioritize having kids... particularly in one's early 20s. People encouraged me to 'find fulfillment' 'find myself' 'travel the world' 'experience all you can' before you take the seeming burden of children. Now I agree that it would have been (and still would be) nice to take a trip to Europe one more time without kids.
Additionally, if one does not have the option of a prospective happy marriage and family, I'd advise doing what you can to develop your interests, educate yourself, and of course make a living. There are a lot of great causes and professions out there, that need bright minds like ours. ... just like motherhood, which often pays in hugs, kisses, better citizens, and growth for mother and child.
(I am not being naiive on this, I have seen my own sibling do/say the most hurtful and shameful things to my mother and father. But they did the best they knew how, their love increased, and they learned a lot from it.)
I did have one obstacle or problem with being a young mom of just one child: I found I didn't know what to do with my new unstructured lifestyle, without the schedules, deadlines, and feedback I had grown accustomed to in school and professional pursuits. It was like an eternal summer... so much time to do the few tasky things I needed to get done. In order to help me foster my love of music, I have maintained a self-employed business.
"Career Goals" Now that I am expecting a second child three years later, I dont' expect to be searching for things to fill my time. I have cut back the work engagements which take me out of the home, for more than a couple of hours at a time. I also have deliberately decided to cut back from anything that lends itself to an inordinate focus on 'getting ahead' or made me feel like i was choosing between my family and its demands. For me, that includes competition in most forms. It includes competition between mothers too!
I think that anyone can have a baby, and hopefully take care of them but it is a choice to do so with great kindness, humility, and patience- hallmarks of what it is to have a mother heart.
I think if one has the economic luxury and freedom as we do in America, it is the superior role to be a mother. When reading the second anonymous post above, I actually thought she was referring to motherhood as her life choice for the entire comment, until the last line.
I find a lot more fulfillment in life now that I've decided to devote it to serving my family and mankind in general. One can definitely devote their life to serving mankind without being a mom. But I feel that my perspective and expectations in life (to grow and love along with others) make this more personally rewarding. Motherhood has a more lasting impact on single human beings than any other profession.
I really enjoy each comment I've read so far! I have much to say on the subject, too. I have been a nanny, worked in a preschool day care, and worked with children who were taken from their homes by Child Protective Services. The common thing I see in young children is their human need to bond with another human. Babies need to bond with one or two people who will be there for them over the long haul - many years. If a child bonds with a daycare worker, once the child moves on, he/she will have a broken bond in her heart. It's very important that a baby bond with at least one person and that that bond is not broken until the teen years or later. In a sense, it's never broken, but the child pulls himself away in the act of becoming independent. Any artificial breaking of the bond is harmful to a child's self-esteem, sense of security, and ability to relate to and connect with people after that. If a child is not given the opportunity to bond with one loving adult, then they will forever have a sense of insecurity in their lives. I have seen this with friends of mine who were raised in homes where the parents were "checked out".
From another perspective, I took a course in college about "women as leaders and women as mothers". We read an interesting book with many entries by women who had been mothers as well as highly successful business women and politicians. Though some tried to do both at once, many agreed that it was better for them to do one thing at a time. They either had their career first, then family for the next stage in their lives, or vice versa. I think that women today, at least in American middle and upper middle classes, feel the pressure to do everything at once. They have big financial dreams or burdens that they want to pay for. Where I live, most people cannot afford to own a place without two incomes. The only reason our one income family can afford it is because my husband bought our house 12 years ago. I think if we had a different situation, I would want to move to a place where we afford to live with one income. To me, the emotional and psychological health of a child is more important than material things or lifestyle.
I think that once a child is going to school, a mom may have the energy to work part time. It still is valuable to be able to be home for the child when he/she comes home from school, but even by this age a child is more secure in their bond with their parent and can afford to be cared by another dinner time.
Personally, I don't want to miss out on seeing this amazing little child grow and develop. I enjoy every minute, even though I'm always tired. God bless all the moms reading this, and please know that whatever love you can give your child, whether you work or not, that love is like food and water to your precious little one(s).
As a woman without children yet, I am trying to learn and observe all the different types of women out there to decide in who I want to be when the time comes for me to raise a family. (I'm still missing my other 1/2 to make the family).
I grew up in a family where both parents worked, but also being the first child, my mother stayed home full time for my first 3 years (something my younger siblings didn't have, but I don't recognize anything less about them than compared to me).
My mother and father both were engineers, and they had the over 40 hour work schedule, and came home nights tired, but still managed to help us with our homework, cook us large nutritious meals, and play with us every evening.
They are my example that it's possible for both the mother and father to have careers and yet still be involved with their children.
I admit though, that there were times as a child I wish my mother went to some of my swim meets, baked cookies for my class mates, went on field trips with us like other moms did, or that my dad came to any of these events too. While they were small things my parents couldn't necessarily attend because of work obligations, I do recall felling sad and a little bit abandoned. In my heart though, I understood why they couldn't come and that they both loved me and my accomplishments. In they tried to make it to events when they could and they never missed any of the big events: graduation, dance recitals, final games of the season.
While I think I've grown up into a decent adult, as a future mother, I don't think I want my children to experience those sad times. I would want to be able to bring cookies to their classes and go with them on field trips, but I still do want a career...
As a young, modern American woman, with a patriarchal cultural background, living in a village in Romania right now, again, I get to see the many roles of being a woman, and I realize that as an American woman I have a lot more choice and freedom to decide how I want to balance my family and career goals.
While I admire how my parents were able to balance their family and career as well as they did, I am not sure that's the path I want to follow myself.
We'll have to see, oftentimes we fantasize about how our future will be and we make plans, just to see them get wiped away as circumstances change.
This part should hold true for all of the women in the world: choices are made as cards are dealt, and for some it will be career and then kids, career and kids, or no career and kids. We can plan all we want, but if are planning for the future family, deciding how career fits in will have to depend on everything else around at that time. I may want to be a full time mom, but we can't afford it, then my carefully drawn plans will have to change.
Plan for the future, but life by the day.
I just couldn't help piping up after Cynthia's comment. I want to say, even full-time mothers can't come to everything. My mom had younger siblings to attend to. She wasn't able to come to a lot of my school activities because the younger children also needed an at-home-mom to care for them. No matter if you are a full-time mom, there will be times when your children will "miss you". It's not about being perfect, it's about doing what mothers do best.... be a mother. And as we can see from all of the wonderful comments from mothers around the world, the precious word of mother takes on many forms.
Dang it, I typed a comment yesterday, but as I went to post it our internet crashed!
I will try again, but it won't be as heartfelt as yesterdays posting.
The points I remember hitting strongly are:
-Motherhood is a great thing & I hope women who have children view it as such
-All parents should teach, support, nourish & love their children
-Women should further their education & skills to be able to provide for their families, if necessary
I don't have children yet. I hope that when the time comes I will be able to stay home with them when they are young. But, when they are in school, I would like to work part time. I am currently a mental health therapist, and very much enjoy the opportunity I have to help others. In my line of work, I often see families struggling through various circumstances. It frequently reminds me of the important role of mothers and parents. I am sad to say that too many parents are neglecting their duties as teachers and loving care givers. The world will not make it much longer if our children don't learn values and morals. I am anxious to do my part when the time comes for my husband & I to have children!
I also believe it is important for women to further develop their skills, interests, talents, strengths, and education. I hope that women are able to stay home with their children, if they wish. If for some reason they are unable, I hope they have the education &/or skills necessary to provide for their families. When my 1st husband passed away I was reminded that we have little control over life and having skills to take care of ourselves, if needed, will be helpful to us forever. I'm grateful for the education I've been able to receive. I know not everyone has the same opportunities, but I hope that women view themselves as important and take care of themselves...even before a family. "You can't give water from an empty well." Neal A. Maxwell
I think this blog is a great idea & I've loved reading the comments, especially as I prepare to start having a family. Thanks for letting me talk!
Aimee
Utah, USA
A woman has a very important role in educating children. She is, in my opinion, the center of the family, which is the fundamental building block of society. However, a woman with personality also needs a career which, at the fundamental level, gives her peace of mind about her own independence.
I think it is the fortunate woman who can bring together each “half” of these life choices – family and/or career - to create a complete, harmonious, and “enviable” combination.
Fate and the power to choose guide each and every one of us through life. We are what we want to be.
I thank the initiator of this blog because it creates the possibility for women of different meridians to exchange opinions, to get to know each other, and send greetings to one another.
- Brăila, Romania
I personally think a woman has enough strength that she can have a successful career and, at the same time, a wonderful family.
In a family, the husband and wife need to mutually complete each other, and by so doing, they lighten the workload for one another. The husband needs to understand his wife’s need to have a career and a job which makes her feel useful to society and the family. He needs to help her too, when it’s necessary, because essentially, having a family means providing mutual support.
- Galati, Romania
How to start? How about with some personal, autobiographical history? My parents both came from homes in which their mothers worked at least part time out of financial necessity. My paternal grandmother, though, both liked and was very good at her job. I was fortunate enough to be raised in a family in which my mother could choose her job or not work outside the home at all. It is quite a privilege, and one that is usually overlooked, for someone to even have the ability to choose if she can work outside the home. This does not change the fact that my mother sacrificed a great deal of her personal ambition and choice (and perhaps even talent) to be a stay at home mom. While she felt this was the best choice for her children, I cannot help but sense some resentment and regret. Giving up a career is not a choice I would make. That being said, I feel that my sister and I benefited extremely from having a stay at home mom. I grew up in a loving environment and to this day I am closer to my mother than I am to my father- this is acknowledged by both of us to be a result of his full-time job, among other things. My ideal future has always involved a full-time job (I want to be a professor) and has involved children as well. How I will manage this, I am not sure. I am willing to try it alone, though I have always envisioned a wife or partner as well. Perhaps she will be the one more inclined to stay home and I will nobly bring home the vegetarian, gluten-free bacon. How gender-roled of us! Or perhaps we will split both work and child-rearing duties.
I have enjoyed countless opportunities to be able to even have this choice- hundreds built on my American privilege, my white privilege, my middle-class background; and many more built on the backs of my parents, who sacrificed a great deal over the years. Some of these opportunities are even due to my own hard work, though considerably fewer qualify in that regard. Should I have the chance to have a child or have a partner who does, this will present obstacles, but I could never ask for happier obstacles. These include the usual: balancing time, balancing my emotional needs and the needs of my child, financial difficulties, and of course the ability to sustain indepedence. A woman who is out of the workforce for a long period of time is very vulnerable if her spouse or partner dies, leaves, or becomes disabled. This can spell financial ruin for the whole family and is certainly not taking good care of your children, to be unprepared to take a job with a living wage. Of course these obstacles still exist, and they probably will when I retire. There are special obstacles for queer couples, though, including the fact that much like PCVs, people will scrutinize our behavior. Normal behavioral problems of our children are often not attributed to the children themselves or even our parenting skills but the fact that "Heather has two mommies." This must be taken into consideration because any private choice of whether or to not to hold a career is suddenly public debate. The parent in a queer couple who works is much more likely to be seen as a fit parent if the couple breaks up, unlike traditional ideas about straight stay-at-home moms.
Another obstacle involves my emotional needs, which I would be lying if I said I didn't take into account. I cannot be a fit parent if I am resentful towards my children for "depriving" me of a career, nor can I be a good parent if I feel chronically unfulfilled. These are just facts of life, and I refuse to believe that any mother gives up a previous career outside the home without some measure of loss and longing for her old independence and freedom. This is not to say that she regrets having made that decision, only that she's human, and humans have complex emotional needs. I think that paradox would make the decision difficult. However, I am happy with the decision I have made so far, and though I want a child by age 30, and I am more than happy to enjoy my luxurious freedom now.
Julie
Sebes/Atlanta
The subject of "Family and/or Career" was initially suggested by a good Romanian friend of mine, but it fits in perfectly with what I've been thinking about a lot lately, since I will be starting my family soon. This subject is by no means a new one, but as I've been more and more aware the varying perspectives and opinions out there, I've come to realize that there is a wide range of factors contributing to what we women feel is our duty, our joy, and our fulfillment in life. Factors include socioeconomic status, religion, family upbringing/culture, country of origin, personal experiences, stories and experiences of others, role-models, self-perception, personal expectations.....can you think of more?
I look forward to learning more from each of you and finding my personal balance between family and pursuits outside of the home. All the comments so far are so thought provoking!
Being an asian and living my life in europe has given me a good picture of it. Here it is far more than the asian society when it come to respect. To be honest family relationships are much more stronger there than it is here. How ever I do not think it depends on where you live or your family background. It is all about understanding other family members and respecting each other.
for an example if parents does not have a good bond if they dont lookafter each other and their kidz you will never be able to have a good family.you wil never get respected by the kids, society. beside that you wil not be able to concentrate on your work your career your future plans, whole life goin to be a huge mess.
therefore my ophenion is that this two is some thing which is linked, where one effect the other. But career is important like such a no matter how good looking, smart it, it needs the fuel to run the engine. IF you dont have fuel you can not do any thing with it. one must first have to stand on their own feet with a good stable career and start building the family as money has become the deciding factor in this world now. Thereafter it is important to have a good understanding family like right fuel for a vehicle otherwise it will start giving you troubles until it totally collaps.
Eventually what i think is any woman can have a great family and a career no matter what, as long as she is honest, respectful and care about others in the family and support them in every way possible. Because is a unit where one helps other to succeed honestly. also have to mention it here that it is same for a man in any circumstance.
I have enjoyed being a stay-at-home mother because it allows me the opportunity to build a home and plant flowers, instead of just putting out fires. It means I have time to think about what I'm doing with my family and home, and how and when I'm going to do it. When I was managing apartments, it seemed I only had time to do basic maintenance and not any productive managment or top down perspective planning for the future. I also enjoy being available for my children to play with them. It is fun for me to be in charge of the schedule and say, "I feel like doing this today...let's go!" I also get to have down time to accomplish things or just relax during the day and in the evening time. Being a stay-at-home mom is the hardest, most enjoyable job I have ever had. The surprise hugs and smiles are the best. I feel like I am my children's best friend.
I want to find someone to marry who is right for me. Since I haven't found that person yet, I'm pursuing (and enjoying) a sucessful career.
- D. from Romania
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